how i developed a life paradigm that involved seeking approval and hiding perceived flaws
in some circumtances things happen that lead me to beign punished so i decided to eliminate all possibilities of letting that thing happen which wasnt my fault in the first(but at that time i dont know whether it is my fault or not) place so i dont get punished for what i didnt do.
i would describe my mother as controlling, when i was a kid she make out decisions , as an act of love telling us who to be freinds with what kind of cloth to put , like puting on loose cloths to feel confortable, which this kind of decision are not in our best interest and we dont have a choice but to obey even though this decision of hers causes us humiliation and pain as a result of beign embarassed because with put loose cloth i think that contribute to my lack of self-esteem
Anger I think i repressed my anger and never say anything to anyone
I dont have a alot freinds growing up , i remember when other kids make fun of me, still wanting to be their freinds because i had no one , i remember when my classmates are having a conversation about wrestlers , walking up there to listen and didnt say a word maybe its because at that time i didnt know what they are talking about but it sounds interesting and i wanted to be part of the conversation . i remember having a class party , and mother forget to pack my party chocolates and all that and packed me normal food for break , how my teacher isolates us and didnt include us in that party.
I and freinds is a circle
today i am with this freind tommorow im with this, i dont know why i do this but i can see its a pattern .
most of my current freinds before i was their freind i was a freind of their siblings either younger or mostly older . was it because i am not growing up. was it because the vibe is gone . i dont know. but their some guys that i want to be freinds with those guys in some way or another all are alike , i dont understand the connection but when i see this guy he reminds me of this guy and vice versa is not like they look physically alike , its all in my head.
one of these guys i wanted him to be my bestfreinds , because maybe at the time every one has a bestfreind i try very hard but that didnt happen even though i managed to be part of the group , all being carefull and nice , a fight occur between the guy i want to be best freinds with and other guys, one thing lead to another i ended up being in the opposite group which is just one person that day that had me choose , wasnt a great day i even cried thinking how could this guy did this to me. i think i even i had a 6 month depression , (at the time i didnt know what that was but now i thinkk its depression) with all that i still go back .
their is this other guy too that i wants to be freinds with , well i had to take a puch for him , before he even consider sitting side by side with me in a classroom.
I am much more happier and confortable if i didnt see a woman in my life even if its my sister maybe is because id if a woman is not present i can be myself , i should have to please her , i can just be myself and thats it without any pressure
In my home
i wasnt allowed to be angry, sad etc it shows weakness ~~~ this tells me i am not allowed to be me.
this happens too in the presense of a woman , because i gues what taught me not to be angry or sad was my mother. so to please a woman i tend to hide my emotions